Random thought of the day...

It seems that most of the time, doors that we want to open, we have to wait and let Him open. But sometimes I feel like I pile up chairs and ottomans and wardrobes and side tables on my side of the door in order to make Him prove He's powerful enough to open that door. I think I like to demand all sorts of signs from Him to convince me that I can believe Him. Like asking Him to perform a miracle so that He can do a miracle, while in the meantime He could've done the miracle. Fortunately, most of the time He just breathes and sweeps away all of my attempts to shut His power out. But what if, outside of some of the most important doors, He sits on the other side of just waiting me to really trust Him- to remove my tests and just let Him open the doors simply. What if that is all that's stopping the new seasons that He wants to bring???

I don't know...ha, just thoughts...

My amazing wonderful friend Abigail Suiter wrote this for me for my birthday last year. Abby has been one of my most faithful friends and she inspires me everyday to live out loud, to dream, to believe, and to love unreservedly. I love you my amazer :)

Unquenchable saw a blue feather blow by

Her window as she looked out one night

For some reason it made her feel more alive

And rising she chased it outside

She ran after is wherever it went

Til it disappeared in the dark

But she felt if she kept on, she'd see it again

So she followed the light of her spark

She looked at the stars, wondering as they fell

Leaving white streaks in the sky

If skies could talk, what kind of stories they'd tell

Of the stars in the past that had dies

And she wondered why so many wishes come true

Why in awe of the beauty we gasp

When a light holding onto its dark home for years

Shoots across the sky, burning its last

Her thoughts interrupted as she came to a sea

And she slowly stepped onto a dock

So new yet so familiar this place seemed

As if some door to her wishes unlocked

Then through the mist of the darkness ahead

She spotted a tiny sailboat

She squinted to see what the side of it said

Surprised, she read, Unquenchable Hope,

She felt as if it beckoned her come aboard

So boldly she stepped inside

Trembling with emotion, bid goodbye to the shore

And cut the rope that was to the dock tied

Sometimes it felt she'd been in that boat for years

For always continued the night

But soon she was lost and couldn't stop the tears

As she forgot what the sun had looked like

When suddenly a storm blackened her world

Extinguishing even the stars

Wind filled the sail and waves tossed the girl

As she wished she'd not come out so far

She hid in the corner unsure what to do

The storm tearing the boat apart

And the flame within her started flickering too

As great fear crept into her heart

Then all at once she was thrown from the boat

And into the sea's cold embrace

She tried desperately to keep herself afloat

As the water crashed over her face

The storm was too strong for her, pulling her down

Away from the freedom of air

And quickly unquenchable started to drown

And her fighting turned into despair

Her lungs filled with water, strength wearing thin

Flame nearly extinguished with doubt

She felt arms around her and knew it was Him

He wouldn't let her fire go out

She was pulled to the surface, then onto a shore

And sputtering, found air once again

She focused, she had never been here before

Eyes gripped her, a whisper...Him

"Unquenchable, hope didn't die with the storm

And the dark hasn't put out your flame

Instead, it will be deeper than it was before

And brighter than it's ever been

I'll always be with you..." and then He was gone

And stilled in the silence she lay

No longer alone though, and she sensed all along

He'd kept her alive all this way

She was tired and battered from fighting the waves

And she lay there a while to ponder

And the thought of His voice and she thought of the days

When she was so much freer to wander

When she had gained courage, she stood to her feet

And then turned away from the sea

And as she did, something majestic and sweet

Appeared where the clouds used to be

The sky streaked orange and then yellow and pink

The beginnings of a new dawn

She wasn't sure yet what to feel or think

But something kept her going on

She came to a gate, and her heart skipped a beat

As she glimpsed what was on the other side

The feather, bright blue, lay just beyond reach

She felt if she could touch it, she'd fly

She pulled at the latch, trying to open the gate

And realized it was to no avail

This gate wasn't made to open her away

No matter what she tried, she would fail

When a sweet gentle breeze took the feather away

Unquenchable felt her heart shatter

She'd wanted it where she could see it to stay

To make it feel like the pain inside mattered

Just then the sky broke in a beautiful blue

The sun chasing away the cold

And with it Unquenchable's courage renewed

Her dreams once again growing bold

The light above her painted hope in the sky

Filling her with silent awe

And for the first time the tears filling her eyes

Clarified all that she saw

She thought of the stars and understood why

It's a beautiful thing when they fall

For it's as they let go they become the most bright

It's then that they give hope to us all

It's just like my boat that I had to let sink

And I thought in that moment, hope died

But now that I'm seeing it, I really think

That made room for some real hope inside

And maybe someday that sweet wind will return

That feather right back to this gate

But I think for right now I'm just going to learn

How to hear Him, to see Him, and wait

And she settled herself with her gaze on the sky

Drinking in all the hope in the light

And she finally believed that the good only dies

To make room for the best to have life

May is here...

I don't know whether to be excited or afraid. Hopeful or cautious.

Summer is a month away and honestly besides the sun coming and my birthday...I don't want it to come.

I'm afraid.

"It's gonna be full of Me..."

Ok Jesus...I believe you...

I listened to this song probably hundreds of times in MC...and now it's back and wrecking me

Storm by Lifehouse

How long have I
been in this storm
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if I could just see you
everything would be alright
if I'd see you
this darkness would turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't
bring me out here to drown
so why am I ten feet under and upside down
barely surviving has become my purpose
cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

if I could just see you
everything would be alright
if I'd see you
this darkness would turn to light

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright

and I will walk on water
you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes

I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright
everything's alright

"'FEARLESS' is not the absense of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want all over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for the things they'll never stop doing, I think it's FEARLESS to stop believing them. It's FEARLESS to say "you're NOT sorry," and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourselfto cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright, that's FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS." - Taylor Swift

yep...i pretty much agree

I'm tired of being afraid

I watched an AMAZING movie last night...I finally saw the Shawshank Redemption

It was kinda creepy how right on these quotes are for me...

Fear can hold you prisoner. Hope can set you free

Andy: You know what the Mexicans say about the Pacific?
Red: No.

Andy: They say it has no memory. That's where I want to live the rest of my life. A warm place with no memory

Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane

Red: I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don't want to know. Some things are best left unsaid. I'd like to think they were singing about something so beautiful, it can't be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it. I tell you, those voices soared higher and farther than anybody in a gray place dares to dream. It was like some beautiful bird flapped into our drab little cage and made those walls dissolve away, and for the briefest of moments, every last man in Shawshank felt free.

Andy: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you... Haven't you ever felt that way about music?

Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Didn't make much sense in here.

Andy: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so you don't forget.

Red: Forget?

Andy: Forget that... there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside... that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.

Red: What're you talking about?

Andy: Hope.

Red: I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

Andy: I'm gonna get busy living

Red: Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright.

Andy: "Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies."

"The Lord is my light

The Lord is my salvation

Whom shall I fear?

Of whom shall I be afraid?

Though my enemies try to triumph over me

I will not be afraid,

I will not fear

For you are my light

You are my salvation

The Lord is my light

The Lord is my salvation

Jesus Bright and Morning star, You shine...

Jesus, You shine brighter than the sun

Jesus Beautiful savior....I am in love with you..."

Jesus Beautiful Savior- IHOP

This photo was taken on a day when for once, I felt completely without fear...free

Free to be myself, free to believe that He is good, that He is for me, that He hears and knows me far better than anyone else. Free to stand on the edges of cliffs knowing that at the edge...when I am closest to death...is where He gets to save me and get all the glory.

These past few days I just have two words pulsing through my head...No Fear...No Fear...No Fear...No Fear...

This last week has felt a lot more uneasy than normal. The past few months I have felt carefree and happy again like I hadn't in a while. But this week has just brought so many of the deadly feelings back to me again and those lies about the goodness of God are back. At first I was like, what am I doing wrong? I must be doing something wrong. But I guess I just keep hearing the Lord say no fear...like He's saying, yes there is restlessness and less peace than you've enjoyed...but I want you to push through it. Believe in my goodness whether you feel it or not. In that is the maturity I want you to come to.

Yay for His grace...He is SO GOOD

My lover spoke and said to me,
"Arise, my darling,
my beautiful one, and come with me.

See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."

Song of Solomon 2

"Two words that define Kingdom reality...'BUT GOD...'"

"Practice celebration and LIVING IN THE REALITIES OF THE UNSEEN"

"Look down- you are seated in the heavenliness…keep looking down and soon you will be looking up"

"You are new…"

Pastor Norm- Easter sunday

yes :)

His love sets me free

"What this world needs is a little wonder..."

Yesterday I was having a rough day and after spilling to my mom on the phone, she sent me a text that just said "You are Magnificient." My first reaction was...no, I am not...and why do people keep telling me things like this? But then I remembered that it is a quote from the short film The Butterfly Circus which came out last year. I hadn't watched it in months until this morning, and I think everyone should see it again. It's a perfect visual of hope and wonder.

"The greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph"

http://www.thedoorpost.com/hope/The%20Butterfly%20Circus/

Enjoy :)

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone

Eyes wide open
Always hoping for the sun
And she'll sing her song to anyone
that comes along

Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
Without a sound

Crooked little smile on her face
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own

Spinning, laughing, dancing to her favorite song
A little girl with nothing wrong
And she's all alone

Seven Years by Norah Jones

One of my songs :)

HOPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

HOPE

That

is

seen

is

no

hope

at

ALL

Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently...

I am waiting patiently...even though all I see is endless desert

"The phoenix hope can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite, revive from ashes and rise"

Random thoughts of an encrazed girl

You want to know what I'm thinking...okey doke...

This last month I've been learning to be okay with never understanding some things. He truly does work in mysterious ways. I'll leave it at that.

When I was in Hawaii, the only real alone time I had was at night after the kids went to sleep. So I would go outside and walk to the ocean. Almost every night I would just sit there in the dark alone listening to the waves and looking at the stars...of course. It was interesting to feel the fear of sitting beside such an intensely powerful thing as the ocean in the darkness, and yet find a pleasure and peace that I rarely feel anywhere else. I was like, wow...this is similar to what it's like to be with my Father. He is so unspeakably huge and powerful, yet because of Jesus making a way for me to be Fathered by such a God, my heart is hidden, protected, and restored by Him...the one who orchestrates every circumstance around me to my good. I just am so overwhelmed that I have the privilege of entrusting my future to the one who knows it all and promises to work everything to the good of those who love Him. But why is it so hard to take my heart and all of me to one so deserving as Him?

I guess it's just another thing I'll never understand...luckily my parents raised me to believe that understanding is not necessary for obedience...my parents are freaking amazing.

Lyrics of the day..."I'm holding on, holding on to You, my world is wrong, my world is a lie and it's come true, and I fall in love with the ones that run me through...when all along all I need is You..."

Verse of forever..."but the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him...on those whose hope is in His steadfast love..."

Now for the real post...lol...I had to get those lyrics off my chest.

I feel like everything is upside down. I start obeying Him thinking what I'm doing is for the best and suddenly, right when I think I'm finally experiencing the freedom that comes with obedience, He turns the tables...and the heat...all the way up.

Oh man...He truly does work in completely mysterious ways. And I'm sorry, but it is so frustrating sometimes. I think it's frustrating that I can't figure Him out...I can't put Him in my box...I can't make a list of "ways to please God so I can feel good about myself." This reveals a deeper pride issue in me...big shocker there. Sure there are specific things that attract Him, but if I try to figure out how to please Him by my obedience and forced joy, it's a completely filthy scent to Him. It's the scent of self-sufficiency- the odor of self-obsession.

Wow! If there's one thing He LOVES, it's humility...it's need. He said that He opposes the proud...He literally turns away from those who choose to live on their own and out of their own strength. So my brokenness is a pleasant aroma to Him...my love and and the simple joy that comes from knowing Him give Him pleasure...the smile that forms on my face when I think of how good He is to me makes Him leap for joy.

Selah...

Okay...that wasn't what I wanted to write about...but there it is...

Back to the upside down-ness. I am so conflicted right now. I am so angry that I have no idea what my future looks like...I am unnerved that I have no idea what my major is.

BUT...I realized a week or so ago that I was not made for this earthly reality...in fact none of us were, but when I have this level of truth that has been sowed into me, how can I expect to find a calling that fits on the list of jobs this world has to offer?

My passions are of a heavenly nature...unmatched by any passion man has in and of himself. This is unbelievably exciting...but also extremely frightening. More and more I'm realizing that I may never attain "the American dream." I always wanted to be wealthy and have a home on the water in Carmel or something like that. I wanted to have beautiful cars and the freedom to travel at will. I haven't completely abandoned those dreams (lol...believe me...I'll take the house), but is not His dream for me so much more?

All of my passions are so conflicting...travel, music, music, music, art, home, food, people, people, people, people encountering Jesus, Jesus light invading darkness, weddings, family, friends, emo kids, frightened slumbering Christians, stars, sunsets, intercession, mission...etc etc etc...

I don't know of a job that encapsulates all those, and I don't know if I want to

The adventure is alluring me more than I ever wanted to be...Jesus help me trust you

HE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!! Okey doke...I have a lot more to say but I'll save it :)

I was just at a switchfoot show...what can i say? Their music is amazig!

Always- Switchfoot

This is the start
This is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun
These are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always yours

These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole
Where most of your soul
Comes ripping out
From the places you’ve been torn

And it is always yours
But I am always yours

Hallelujah!
I’m caving in
Hallelujah!
I’m in love again
Hallelujah!
I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah!
Every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours

Sing it Out- Switchfoot

I'm on the run
I'm on the ropes this time
where is my song?
I've lost the song of my soul tonight

sing it out
sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody

sing it out
sing out-loud
I can't the words to sing
you'd be my remedy

My song
My song
I'll sing with what's left of me

where is the sun?
feel like a ghost this time
where have you gone?
I need your breath in my lungs tonight

sing it out

I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
my world is a lie that's come true
and I fall in love with the ones that run me through
when all along all I need is you

sing it out

Enough to Let Me Go- Switchfoot

Oh
I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home
Alone
All I know
I still got mountain to climb
On my own
On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through
To let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter
Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
You're so beautiful, tonight

Back from the dead we went through
Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Breathe it in
And let it go
Every breath you take is not your to own
It's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for...the conviction of things not seen..."

Well well well, 2009 is over. I look back and notice that it was a year of the highest, most beautiful times in my life, and the lowest, most painful valleys. It confuses me because everything this year was connected and I guess in light of that, I'm not really sure what to expect of this year. I feel that if I hope for all of the good things, the bad will inevitably happen, and if I just expect it to be a hard year, then it will be pretty good no matter what. But there's no faith in that. Haha, welcome to my mind.

Ultimately I've decided that the highest way is always faith. It says in Hebrews 11 that without it it is impossible to please God. And if I've realized anything about myself this year, it's that I was made to please Him. I feel completely empty and hopeless when my mind and heart are not set on being a pleasing aroma to Him. When I say "please," I do not mean the performance thing that turns into pride so easily, but it is that hunger and thirst to do anything to be close to Him and to be used by Him.

After this year, I kinda feel empty. I feel like I have nothing right now if I don't have Him. That's what I don't get. I know that He gave us free will and everything, but sometimes I think that more and more, I have less and less free will. He's after me and somehow, He leaves me no choice. It's like, why would I choose slavery to the freedom I find in the corral and in His training. He## ya it sucks, but after I'm done complaining, HE shows me once again how much better His way is and seems to command me to choose to keep walking. The funny thing is...I so love it like that. He gets all the credit for my freedom that way...haha, oh I so love how He works.

Anyway, once again He's drawn me back to the simplicity of Him. Everything seems so difficult and confusing and draining and frustrating, but He created me to only find peace when I'm abiding in Him.

So there's my peace...that's what I gained this year. But then there's that word hope. If you know me at all you know that I kinda have a thing for that word. The funny thing is that of all things, this year I feel like I've lost hope. But then I remember Hebrews 11. Hope and faith walk hand in hand...it's not just about hanging on and finding peace in chaos, but choosing to believe Him. When I have no hope, He has it for me. I hope in who He is...and that hope is gained by knowing Him.

So from peace to faith and hope I go. New Years Eve day I was a little anxious about this new year, but I'm choosing to believe that He really does make all things work together for HIS good, which is my good.

I can't believe the things that He's sown into me...He is so gooooooddddddd...sometimes that's all I can say...I release faith and hope to you too- In Jesus' name, Amen :) lol

Happy New Year