Now for the real post...lol...I had to get those lyrics off my chest.

I feel like everything is upside down. I start obeying Him thinking what I'm doing is for the best and suddenly, right when I think I'm finally experiencing the freedom that comes with obedience, He turns the tables...and the heat...all the way up.

Oh man...He truly does work in completely mysterious ways. And I'm sorry, but it is so frustrating sometimes. I think it's frustrating that I can't figure Him out...I can't put Him in my box...I can't make a list of "ways to please God so I can feel good about myself." This reveals a deeper pride issue in me...big shocker there. Sure there are specific things that attract Him, but if I try to figure out how to please Him by my obedience and forced joy, it's a completely filthy scent to Him. It's the scent of self-sufficiency- the odor of self-obsession.

Wow! If there's one thing He LOVES, it's humility...it's need. He said that He opposes the proud...He literally turns away from those who choose to live on their own and out of their own strength. So my brokenness is a pleasant aroma to Him...my love and and the simple joy that comes from knowing Him give Him pleasure...the smile that forms on my face when I think of how good He is to me makes Him leap for joy.

Selah...

Okay...that wasn't what I wanted to write about...but there it is...

Back to the upside down-ness. I am so conflicted right now. I am so angry that I have no idea what my future looks like...I am unnerved that I have no idea what my major is.

BUT...I realized a week or so ago that I was not made for this earthly reality...in fact none of us were, but when I have this level of truth that has been sowed into me, how can I expect to find a calling that fits on the list of jobs this world has to offer?

My passions are of a heavenly nature...unmatched by any passion man has in and of himself. This is unbelievably exciting...but also extremely frightening. More and more I'm realizing that I may never attain "the American dream." I always wanted to be wealthy and have a home on the water in Carmel or something like that. I wanted to have beautiful cars and the freedom to travel at will. I haven't completely abandoned those dreams (lol...believe me...I'll take the house), but is not His dream for me so much more?

All of my passions are so conflicting...travel, music, music, music, art, home, food, people, people, people, people encountering Jesus, Jesus light invading darkness, weddings, family, friends, emo kids, frightened slumbering Christians, stars, sunsets, intercession, mission...etc etc etc...

I don't know of a job that encapsulates all those, and I don't know if I want to

The adventure is alluring me more than I ever wanted to be...Jesus help me trust you

HE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!! Okey doke...I have a lot more to say but I'll save it :)

I was just at a switchfoot show...what can i say? Their music is amazig!

Always- Switchfoot

This is the start
This is your heart
This is the day you were born
This is the sun
These are your lungs
This is the day you were born

And I am always yours

These are the scars
Deep in your heart
This is the place you were born
This is the hole
Where most of your soul
Comes ripping out
From the places you’ve been torn

And it is always yours
But I am always yours

Hallelujah!
I’m caving in
Hallelujah!
I’m in love again
Hallelujah!
I’m a wretched man
Hallelujah!
Every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours

Sing it Out- Switchfoot

I'm on the run
I'm on the ropes this time
where is my song?
I've lost the song of my soul tonight

sing it out
sing it out
take what is left of me
and make it a melody

sing it out
sing out-loud
I can't the words to sing
you'd be my remedy

My song
My song
I'll sing with what's left of me

where is the sun?
feel like a ghost this time
where have you gone?
I need your breath in my lungs tonight

sing it out

I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
my world is a lie that's come true
and I fall in love with the ones that run me through
when all along all I need is you

sing it out

Enough to Let Me Go- Switchfoot

Oh
I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line that leads me home
Alone
All I know
I still got mountain to climb
On my own
On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through
To let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter
Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
You're so beautiful, tonight

Back from the dead we went through
Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Breathe it in
And let it go
Every breath you take is not your to own
It's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for...the conviction of things not seen..."

Well well well, 2009 is over. I look back and notice that it was a year of the highest, most beautiful times in my life, and the lowest, most painful valleys. It confuses me because everything this year was connected and I guess in light of that, I'm not really sure what to expect of this year. I feel that if I hope for all of the good things, the bad will inevitably happen, and if I just expect it to be a hard year, then it will be pretty good no matter what. But there's no faith in that. Haha, welcome to my mind.

Ultimately I've decided that the highest way is always faith. It says in Hebrews 11 that without it it is impossible to please God. And if I've realized anything about myself this year, it's that I was made to please Him. I feel completely empty and hopeless when my mind and heart are not set on being a pleasing aroma to Him. When I say "please," I do not mean the performance thing that turns into pride so easily, but it is that hunger and thirst to do anything to be close to Him and to be used by Him.

After this year, I kinda feel empty. I feel like I have nothing right now if I don't have Him. That's what I don't get. I know that He gave us free will and everything, but sometimes I think that more and more, I have less and less free will. He's after me and somehow, He leaves me no choice. It's like, why would I choose slavery to the freedom I find in the corral and in His training. He## ya it sucks, but after I'm done complaining, HE shows me once again how much better His way is and seems to command me to choose to keep walking. The funny thing is...I so love it like that. He gets all the credit for my freedom that way...haha, oh I so love how He works.

Anyway, once again He's drawn me back to the simplicity of Him. Everything seems so difficult and confusing and draining and frustrating, but He created me to only find peace when I'm abiding in Him.

So there's my peace...that's what I gained this year. But then there's that word hope. If you know me at all you know that I kinda have a thing for that word. The funny thing is that of all things, this year I feel like I've lost hope. But then I remember Hebrews 11. Hope and faith walk hand in hand...it's not just about hanging on and finding peace in chaos, but choosing to believe Him. When I have no hope, He has it for me. I hope in who He is...and that hope is gained by knowing Him.

So from peace to faith and hope I go. New Years Eve day I was a little anxious about this new year, but I'm choosing to believe that He really does make all things work together for HIS good, which is my good.

I can't believe the things that He's sown into me...He is so gooooooddddddd...sometimes that's all I can say...I release faith and hope to you too- In Jesus' name, Amen :) lol

Happy New Year