"And I know You don't come as easy as some but I will watch and pray..."

I kinda feel like I am just writing because it's been so long since my first post. As a result, I feel like I should not write...but I know I can't not write.

Right now I am completely confused. I am just in one of those seasons where everything I planned and banked on happening for my future is falling out. Even things that I have been building up to for years are wavering under the pressure of passion, desires, and unfortunately, reality. These days, a young, passionate Christian is so succeptable to the pressure to become a part of the workforce of America...it's all about finding where you fit to do a job and earn money. I became okay with that. In fact, in the last year I think I have let earthly, worldly reality take too much of a hold on me. I've become content to make money, have a family, and live life.

Then came God...and Dutch Sheets. A couple weeks ago I began to feel the fluttering of heavenly reality in my heart again. I know that the Lord has called me to live an extraordinary life...and to count for Him in ways that I can't imagine. I forgot that. I forgot the call of an Esther on my life. I forgot the prophetic words and the visions that He has been speaking to me about my future for years. The goal of the Awakening and Reformation Tour that came a couple weeks ago is to awaken and posture for reformation. I think I was awakened. Friday night we were singing and crying out to be "burning ones." I know my soul has grown so familiar with these precious terms and declarations, but that night I had to choose to declare it for real, even though I don't fully understand or realize what being His "burning one" means. But in that seemingly empty declaration came the life to my heart again. He lit me with purpose again...

So I found passion again...unfortunately fewer answers have come with that revelation than I would have liked. Since then, my plans to go into architecture are weakening. Literally since early high school I have been banking on it as my calling...I wrote twenty two pages on design for my senior thesis and I felt like it was right...until now. Left and right I'm seeing more and more reasons to find a new calling. Normally I would excuse them as the enemy distracting me or something...but I really do wonder. I feel like I have so many passions and callings, but none of them really fit into a career or a major in college. Part of me just wants to forget school and just invest in helping people, intercession, and worship. But the other part feels called to the marketplace and design as well. I'm just very confused...

But...I know that hidden in this desert season is a sound. This sound brings clarity. This sound clears confusion. This sound is my calling. I know that I'll know it when it comes, but for now I have to brave the blinding sandstorms and the endless, horizonless landscape around me. I have to choose to believe that He really does hear me, that He will work all things together, and that "no good thing will He withhold from those whose walk is blameless." I have to believe, despite how I feel, that He IS THAT good.

I am so glad that this is all about Him and Him incarnating Himself in me. I find so much peace in that.

In case I don't post till after the 25th, MERRY CHRISTMAS...may you all have joy and peace in the next few weeks :)